Surrender

Living in tune with the feminine spirit, or the energy of the feminine principle, means cultivating a capacity to surrender. To surrender to what is arising, be that feeling, desire, impulse, instinct, longing. Its a way of living and being that aims to be in alignment with life as it moves through us, as far as is possible. Finding a relationship between the shoulds, coulds, oughts, and where energy wants to move.

Surrender suggests a giving up. In war, to surrender means to put down weapons and acquiesce to the other side, to be taken over, a loss of power, a giving up of power. In this context I think there is a parallel, but it feels more positive. A giving up on the war within, fighting against who I really am, what I really need and want, don't need, don't want. In being brought up in the realm of should, could, ought, have to, the surrender into the energy that is mine, inherent, real and true is a homecoming to a place of self renewing aliveness. A groundedness, security and wholeness that is like the fertile land running beside a healthy river.

Staying busy with shoe horning a self into the world of should, could, ought creates an inner wasteland. Nothing can grow there. Parched, dried up, lifeless. Wasteland that has been a dumping ground for rules, expectations, have to's. Musts. In this realm the feminine spirit is sorely neglected. The aliveness, movement, earthiness, flow, rumble of passion or glimmer of inspiration is under nourished, possibly actively poisoned and lies dormant. Emptiness, hollowness and a feeling of despair fill the movement from one 'have to' to the next.

To surrender to this realm then means, I think, to unapologetically prioritise life. And to move away from continuing to cultivate wasteland where self might reside instead. Hard questions must be asked around what is really and truly necessary, what do I 'have to' do, be, provide, acquire? What do I truly need and want in my life? What is possible within the limitations of my situation and circumstances? How much am I willing to sacrifice? What am I willing to surrender? The answers to these questions will be unique to us all, and change as we journey through life. And living in a dialogue with these is in itself an embodiment of feminine principle. Nothing is fixed. There is choice, movement and flow in response to the emergence of new needs, desires, circumstances. Rigidity is cast aside in favour of being alive.

I feel some ambivalence about framing all of this in the language of the feminine, in these times where discussion around sex and gender is on the move towards new paradigms and addressing systems of oppression. Possibly I feel a bit apologetic that I'm resonating so much with writings on this theme from the women's movements of the 70s and 80s at a time when things are moving on. And I have found no better means, for me, of evoking and getting to know a different way of being. Diving deep into these feminine realms in reading, and in my inner work have landed me in a depth of being that I want to honour and celebrate.

There is something in all of this that is subtle and requires some quiet and cultivation of the capacity to listen. To tune in and to honour what is heard. A fluency with feeling. A staying with the murk to see if something is trying to form. A coming to know the difference between the inner critic and the voice of the Self. The small voice that says 'I don't want this', or 'ahhh, yes, I want that', or 'something must change here', or 'I'm hurting'. The tears that flow in unexpected moments, revealing a potential yearning or painful loss we have pushed aside as unimportant. The dream that haunts us weeks and months after we have woken. Maybe the call gets louder. The physical symptoms that seem to come around when we are depleted and living in the wasteland. The pang of jealousy when we see someone doing something we can't let ourselves know we want. The rage at having to do one more thing when so much has been done already and there's nothing left. The fury at systemic injustices, of which there are many.

A call for something different, something other. To be real, to be a person who needs, wants, feels, hurts, makes, builds, creates, connects, celebrates, commiserates, lives, dies. Belonging to the world of others, a part of - not separate from - the natural world.

Surrendering who we thought we were to who we might become when we live more closely to the river and leave the wasteland behind.